عزيزي الحبيب يعقوب
لقد اقتربت من الدائرة، وما أحلاه من إحساس أيا يعقوب، الاقتراب من الدائرة، نور ساطع، ينير السماوات والأبعاد، لكنه لا يُعمي العيون، تبصر عيني أشياء، تسمع موسيقى الأهواء، ثم... ثم لا شيء، فقط الصمت، الصمت اللانهائي، الراحة الأبدية
سأعود إليك حتما، وأراك مرة أخرى، كان عندك حق، حينما قلت لي انها أحلى من حلقات جميع الأزمنة والأمكنة التي عشناها سويا

من أين يأتي البكاء يا ملاً؟" سأل تيمور لنك جليسه الملا. أجابه قائلاً: "من حيث يهب الريح وتهوي الشهب وتفرغ الأكواب وتتحطم الأيام وتنظر النسوة في المرايا فلا ترى رجالاً بل جداراً تتداعى وينظر الرجال في الآباء فلا يبرون ماء بل نساء عاجزات وحيث يا مولاي تنام بين يدي حلمك وتفيق بين يديك عتمة وفي عينيك تراب وفي قلبك شيء يشبه الصدى إنه الحب الذي لم يجدك وإنه الحب الذي لم تبحث عنه".

Dear Yacoub,

I'm still on my way, I hear voices, I know how to go, where to go, but there's fear, there's laziness, there's the desire, to stay here "just a little longer, won't do any harm, it's not that bad out here, there's some warm feeling out here, some safety, some ego"
But it won't work, I know that, all these wake up call messages you all are giving me, I got all the time yes, but I believe it's time to.
I know it's better our there, am already smelling it, not enough.
This time, I won't get caught by fear, I'll catch the fear, eat it slowly, then spit it all over, to go back from it came, from the light.
Just everything wants to be recognized again, so It can go back to the source, to the light.
So am I

بمناسبة المعاناة الشخصية لي مع الغباء والأغبياء، وربما معاناتي مع غبائي وغفلتي أحيانا، أنني كيف تخليت عن نفسي في أوقات مهمة
فيلم تسجيلي ظريف عن الغباء

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDsnCrSfzCQ
كان هناك سؤال يحيرني، هل من الممكن أن يقترن الغفلة، بالغباء؟
أعتقد في نهاية المطاف منبعان يُسقطان على بعض، الغباء يؤدي إلى الغفلة، والغفلة - في نهاية المطاف- سيؤدي إلى الغباء
يا إلاهي!

أيا يعقوب، لقد تذكرتك في هذه الأيام الساهمة، في نفس تلك الأيام، كان يداهمنا الموت في كل مكان، في كل المنحنيات، الدوائر، الأبواب، الأحباب، الوجدان، ونحن ندري، لكننا لا نعي، أننا كنا نهرب من الموت، بينما كنا نلوذ إليه في نهاية المطاف، نتخلله
أيا يعقوب، لقد تذكرت قولك، بأن الحياة مازالت خضراء ناضجة لم تكتمل، في كل مرة نحيا فيها، نكتشف أن سنين عمرنا إنما ليست هى بالكافية، كي نحيا حياة أخرى، بنصف عمر ونصف موت، نرنو إلى الموت، كي نرنو إلى الحياة..مراراً
أنا حية الآن، بدمائي التي تجري في عروقي، بعقلي وقلبي اللذان ينبضان رغبة في الحياة، بروحي النصف ميتة، بنصفه الآخر يستنجد الرب جذعا وهلعا أن ينجده، كي أحيا هذه الحياة، في هذه المرة، حياة كاملة، هذه المرة يا إلهي، لا أريد أن يداهمني ريح الموت قبل ميعاده، لا أريد الموت، كي لا أريد الحياة مرة أخرى، أريد إنهاء سلسلة التراجيديا الكلاسيكية هذه، رغم ثقلها ومتعتها، لكني لم أعد أملك الطاقة للدوران هنا وهناك، رغم أنك تملك هذه الطاقة دائما يا يعقوب، قد فقدتها منذ حيوة بعيدة
لاحظت أن الموت يزيد المرء بهاء، ربما موات الروح هو الذي يكسب المرء هذا البهاء؟، لقد ازددت جمالا هذه الأيام، أليس كذلك؟
أخشى عليك يا يعقوب، وأخشى علي نفسي النسيان، أخشى أن أنسى كل شيء، قبل أن ينساني حتى المكان والزمان
لقد وعدنا بعضنا أن نتحدى النسيان اللعين هذا، ألا ننسى ما كان، تكرارها لا يزيدها سأما قدر ما يزيدها جلالا وثقلا، وبهاءّ
كان من المفترض ألا ينساني، لم يكن من المفترض أن يحدث هذا، لكنه حدث
لقد تعبت الآن يا يعقوب وسأنام، أتمنى لك نومة هنيئة ما أتمناه لنفسي
إلى اللقاء دائما

A man with a movie camera

I always enjoy watching this movie " a man with a movie camera", especially the orchestral music playing in , it is wonderful, mysterious and unpredictable, I think it's been added in the 90's.
The movie is a silent documentary one, released in 1929 , the camera man wandering in the city holding the camera in Soviet Union, picturing the people from the beginning of the day till the end if it.
He's picturing all categories of people, the beggars in the street, the workers, police officers, secretaries, bathers, athletes, with a very intelligent and active captures.
what I noticed in this movie, that those people are really seemed to be very hard working, very social, active, and happy!
we all of course heard about the "red evil communism", and how this system fall apart and how it kills the individuality and the creativity and all these craps, but when I saw this movie I thought that maybe they were happy, they didn't need anyone to save them or help them by anyway, no body was that filthy rich or filthy poor either, no body didn't have work to do, no body had a time to think about how meaningless and unfair the life is and all these nagging
I imagined if there was "a man with a movie camera-New York version" for example, It would be the sin city!

Ta-Ta Happy Bear

After an acute depression attack caught me last night (still), I realized a truth that I was missing for a very long time, during this long time I've been doing all that "positive energy shit" stuff, ,meditations, self caring (physically and emotionally), like keep saying and writing lame things to myself such as "you're beautiful", "you are special", or "I know you're sad and angry, we'll get through it together Mona", seeking my inner true self, my unconsciousness , my past life's trauma blabla, and not to mention, forgiving myself for everything I have done or haven't done yet.
Or like keep seeking with microscope lens trying to pick some (more) lame reasons to be happy, terrified of any relapse, and asking why -when I relapse again-cannot I be happy?

Simply because you don't have to, or because you are not designed to be one, and here's more rational reason: what do you need happiness for in a fucked up world like this ?, you'll end up smiling hysterically at the middle of the day trying to say something happy (?) like : "wow, the sky is blue today!", or "I love my mom!".
Just be your fuckin self and take it easy.
wow!! Finally! I don't have to be happy anymore!
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Image by James Blagen

Today I'm in the mood for praising fate.
Praising our pain, our regrets, faults, guilt, hatred... our fate.
This feeling of heaviness I'll never be able to elude from, and actually I didn't have to after all..
Falling but not scared, because it'll never be strange, It's in my blood, praising it silently, absorbing it, till It become irreversible.

Equus

I saw the movie "Equus" yesterday, at first when I saw its category on imdb seemed to me like "avan-garde bla bla" movie, on the contrary, It was very unique, impressive and beautiful.

It was pretty interesting that it talked about the psychology itself as an effective treatment, is to be treated from psychological problems means to be "normal"? To be taken away from your individual identity, to have a public identity in your society, and obey all what you have to do not to be "freak", "weird", or " crazy", or at least not to suffer from being an "outsider" all the time.
I believe that the mental institutions is like the prisons, schools, or all other governmental institutions, their motives to serve the citizens, on the other hand their motive is to make as more obedient (civilized?), submissive, monocolored persons as possible, they don't want any extreme individuality or rebellious persons, that's why the majority of people doesn't like "different" persons, because they contradict the system they obey.
Therefore, Dr.Dysart (Richard Burton) , the psychiatrist of the boy who worshiped a pagan God was envying this boy, because the boy had his own belief, his own passion, which was causing him pain, because he was too different, he couldn't cope with the norm of his society which led him to almost losing his mind.
Even Dr.Dysart couldn't know if he cured him or not, and if he cured him, cured him from what exactly, from his faith?
At last he managed somehow to (cure?) him, but this subversive passion possessed him without knowing how to cure himself this time, Burton's monologues affected me pretty much.
Also it was horror in some parts, I was so scared in the second half of the movie, the horror of knowing further, knowing the truth, and the most terrifying thing is, not to know how to go back, It was quite a journey, must see!