Sunday, October 31, 2010

Ta-Ta Happy Bear

After an acute depression attack caught me last night (still), I realized a truth that I was missing for a very long time, during this long time I've been doing all that "positive energy shit" stuff, ,meditations, self caring (physically and emotionally), like keep saying and writing lame things to myself such as "you're beautiful", "you are special", or "I know you're sad and angry, we'll get through it together Mona", seeking my inner true self, my unconsciousness , my past life's trauma blabla, and not to mention, forgiving myself for everything I have done or haven't done yet.
Or like keep seeking with microscope lens trying to pick some (more) lame reasons to be happy, terrified of any relapse, and asking why -when I relapse again-cannot I be happy?

Simply because you don't have to, or because you are not designed to be one, and here's more rational reason: what do you need happiness for in a fucked up world like this ?, you'll end up smiling hysterically at the middle of the day trying to say something happy (?) like : "wow, the sky is blue today!", or "I love my mom!".
Just be your fuckin self and take it easy.
wow!! Finally! I don't have to be happy anymore!

Image by James Blagen


youssef said...

also it is not a must to be sad , at any case the bad things will stay there forever , what about acceptance ?? which will neutralize the reaction , sadness or happiness and that Neutrality create a new situation , it is not about loving my mom , not about my lucky number , not about if such elections have a mean and not about how many killed at Iraq today , but about myself , and what refresh my days , and why should live to the next day

making the world neutral someway makes no meaning for something deserve , but on the other hand it extract us from our bigotry for asking happiness or enjoying sadness , thus it make it easy for so simple ordinary acts to create a new emotion refreshing our feel , and we should not lose such chances .. being my fuckin self and believing that I don`t have to be happy - or sad so on - someway , make me ready to be happy later on :)

mindonna said...

You are right Youseff :)
after my this decision to stop trying to be happy I become somehow "neutral", this made me stop seeking for some meaning in this whole meaningless existence, but sometimes I suffer from this "absence of dramatic moments", which made me quit doing many things in my life.
I don't know If this's good or bad, maybe that what's called "to be grown up".
maybe what's more important is to grab the joyful moments of now, not to wait for a possible happiness in the future.
Thanks for your comment :)